How to Listen to People Who Believe in You
Trust is a funny thing.
You can’t live without it but it’s so hard to exercise.
In fact, it really is a mental exercise. Let’s apply some thought energy.
Think of the people in your life who you trust. There’s probably a few that you have trusted for much of your life or at least a numbers of years or decades. This type of trust is valuable but hard to come by.
To trust is human. The Harvard Business Review published an article by Roderick Kramer called “Rethinking Trust”. Notice how he stresses the importance of the concept and understanding what it means to you.
You spend time with your trusted people but do you listen?
My list of people that have my inherent trust is small. My wife and my parents are the only people that I would name. They are there because I know they have my best interest in mind. I don’t have to consider anything else.
There is another list of people in my life that sit just beyond those family members. These are extended family and friends that are generally trustworthy, well-to-do people but I know that they have other people and things in their lives that take precedent over me. I don’t expect to be on their short list.
It’s safe to say that the number of people on my short list is probably very similar to the number of people’s short lists I am on.
Defining Trust and Belief
Trust is defined as:
Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something
Here’s another, more detailed, definition from the dictionary of psychology.
Belief is defined as:
Trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something
These two words are not synonymous. Yet, they are closely related and have each other in their definitions.
I look at their relationship as friendly and reliant upon one another.
Contrasting the Friends
Trust is something that we can all evaluate everyday. Consider the second list of people that I referenced above. They are an awesome group of humans that I would recommend anyone get to know. But depending on the task, I would have to evaluate if I trusted them.
I feel as if I am shedding trust in a bad light or making it seem tedious. This is not the case. The human mind is designed to make these evaluations throughout the day and our lives as soon as we take our first breath of oxygen.
Belief is a bit less tested and applied over a period of time. It’s often used in relation to religion or your thoughts about someone’s chance in success in a given task. You might say, “I believe in you” or “I believe in God”. These thoughts come after a period of reflection or experience.
I would say belief is somewhat more abstract than trust. Your belief in something might give you trust for them to complete something. For example:
Christians believe in God and trust that His saving grace will provide them eternal life.
Or
I believe in my wife and trust that she will finish the Berlin marathon this September (hear from her about her last marathon and raising money for BEF on Speaking of Impact episode 78).
Maybe They Need to be Separated
Have you ever had a fight with your best friend?
E-Impact 58 will tell you that I’m not much of a fighter but we all have our disagreements. Sometimes, those disagreements are with loved ones and I believe that our deep care for those people is what triggers them. If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t bother to argue.
My dad has told me that when he was in middle school, there was a hill outside that kids would meet on to fight. Often after a quick battle, they would become friends. It was the old way of policing themselves. Things are different now in the digital age.
See the Stop Bullying site and Speaking of Impact episode 82 with Dr. Michael Nuccitelli from iPredator for more on how bullying works these days.
There are times when we need to be separated from our friends regardless of the era.
Trust and Belief are no different than us humans. Here’s why:
They can be blind
They can be habitual
They are misunderstood by outside sources
They can change
The People Who Believe In You
Take it back to the short list of people that trust you. Do they believe in you? In other words, do they think that you can do or are doing something great? Have they had the necessary experience with you?
The people that truly believe in you are the ones that prove trust and belief need to be separated from time to time. You take their belief for granted and they assume that everything is fine.
Unfortunately, things are not always fine. We’re messed up people (see last week’s episode of Speaking of Impact, 84, with Gene Heil). We must acknowledge the tough times.
Ideally, our “believers” would clearly state their concerns or never assume we’re fine. Yet, it’s not human nature rehash what is consistent. The reason why they believe in you is because they are very confident in your abilities and purpose. You’ll be fine the vast majority of the time.
You can’t forget those times where you need support because your “believers” will.
Kids Soccer
Every kid plays soccer in the United States (and plenty of other places too), right? I’m writing this entry on a Friday (I typically write on Saturday mornings) before I catch up with my cousin who has to drop her sons off at soccer practice. I remember a lot about my early soccer days.
When my family moved to Florida in 1986, one of the first things that my parents did was find me sports to play. I think soccer was the first. Or was it baseball? See the E-Impact entry from September 8, 2020 for how little league was really important to me back then.
I stopped playing soccer when I got to middle school. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the sport but there was a lot going on and I had to drop something.
I did have one last soccer hurrah though. When in high school, a friend of mine asked me if I could fill in for a soccer game of his. The team was short players and he called me up (texting was pretty limited still at that point).
I was very excited to rekindle my love for fútbol. They threw me in the game right away and I immediately noticed that we were outmatched and I was not in soccer shape. I was in American football shape. Run fast for six seconds and stop - not jog for an hour with some sprints mixed in.
After a couple minutes, I cam over to the sideline and to the surprise of my friend and his father, I practically collapsed.
I’d love to say that we miraculously pulled out the game but honestly, I don’t remember the result. All I know is that I needed a break a few times during the game.
Afterwards, my friend’s Dad was so confused. He exclaimed that he had seen me run track and play football and expected me to run the whole game without an issue.
First of all, I had no idea they were expecting so much from me. I thought I was just a fill in! Secondly, maybe they could have told me.
Through their experience of seeing me compete in other athletic competitions, they had a belief in me. Thus, they trusted that I would play soccer well.
The moral of the story is that you have to communicate with the people who believe in you.
My friends and his dad expected me to perform in a certain way. They “forgot” that I wasn’t a soccer player (anymore). My enthusiasm when asked to play also added to the miscommunication.
Checking the Relationship
It’s always good to evaluate the quality and effectiveness of a human relationship whether for business, family, love, or faith.
If my friend, his dad, and I would have evaluated their belief and trust in me, we may have had a different outcome.
They had a blind trust I’d be their most energetic player. I applied my habitual confidence to a sport I hadn’t played in nearly a decade. No one else on the team, the coach included, could have evaluated their trust or belief. And ultimately, things change.
You just check the belief relationship you have with your close circle of people and I believe it is often the trusted person that has to do this.
They “truster”, in their human nature, files that feeling into a “self-acting” category. They believe in you and don’t have to spend much, if any, thought energy on it. You have to be the one that opens the lines of communication.
Prompt the people in your life for feedback. That is the number one key for listening to it. It has to be there first.
Listening In
Once you’ve found feedback, you must use it.
The people that believe in you are operating from a plus of consistent trust. As described above, they need not “re-trust” you. Their feedback should be honest (ask for it if not) and direct. They may not be inclined to frequently give it due to the trust but when they do it can be the best you’ll ever get.
Ask believers to be critical. Isolate those things that stick out. What’s the worst or needs the most work? How can you improve, specifically?
You can listen to what people have to say by paying attention to their timing and what comes to mind first. In some cases, it’s not even what they say or how they say it. You just know the subject is important because that’s what they brought up.
Active listening is a must. Ask questions and respect their concerns. If they are concerned, that means something legitimate is sticking out.
Write down their finer points and set reminder to follow-up with them after having had chance to work on the item.
Trust the thoughts of those that believe in you enough to not think about it.
I believe this is good thought energy. Trust me.