"Tell Me Something New"

Today (whenever that is for you), I’m going to concentrate on relationships.

I think it’s a bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but I’ve always felt that the first edition of a new period is more important than the last of an old one.  In other words, the one hundred and first edition of the E-Impact Blog is more important than last week’s E-Impact 100.

I could try to give you a scientific or emotional reason of why it’s important to move on but really, I just feel like the 11th, 26th, and 51st anniversaries that we celebrate don’t get enough credit.

I’m not minimizing last week’s topic; attention.  I will actually build on it. 

A Little Science

Part of attention grabbing and giving is about a relationship.  There’s some connection between the giver and the receiver.  

Giving is hormonal!

Interestingly, I interviewed Wendy Steele yesterday for Speaking of Impact.  Her Tedx Talk on generosity is one of the most inspiring speeches I’ve ever seen.  She explains the relationship and hormones (primarily Oxytocin) that are involved in giving.

The Impactmaker Movement exists to build community and make a positive impact in the world.  They go hand in hand because you can’t truly impact people without some sort of connection.  At the very least, you could provide financial means for someone else to build a relationship with someone and help them.  

Let’s go to Harvard University for about Oxytocin: The Love Hormone.

If you’ve read my book, Personal Finance in a Public World, you know my thoughts on “love” and how it is expressed.  One of the stories in the book explains the bond between a giver and receiver.  It’s powerful and oxytocin is certainly involved. 

Wendy also explains how oxytocin limited cortisol which is the stress hormone.  We all would like a little less stress, right?

A Lot of Emotion

Wendy’s perspective on giving is powerful because she knows the science and the emotions.  

We know from last week that giving someone your attention is extremely meaningful.  It should not be minimized.  In addition, engaging with someone is also meaningful.

Wendy explains in her talk about how there are three parties that experience oxytocin and a bond from giving.  The giver, the receiver, and anyone else who experiences it happen.  

Have you ever watched a video or seen something heartwarming?  You said, “aww”, right?

You get emotional - in a good way.

Keep the Relationship Strong

It’s not possible to develop a deep relationship with everyone that you are kind or generous to no matter how strong the initial connection was.  We covered on numerous occasions how important it is to do the simple nice things like, saying “please” and “thank you”, opening doors, offering a helping hand, and just telling people that they are appreciated.  They are very important and a great place to start.  But once you’ve established those initial steps, there’s another level of attention that you can give to people.

It’s one thing to treat people kindly in the moment, but it’s another to put the energy and time into understanding who they are and what’s happening in their life.

In order to build strong relationships (which you need to build an impact project or organization), you have to take those extra steps.  The most meaningful people in my life ask me, “How are you?”, when they see me and they really mean it.  

That question is so polarizing in my life.  I have really been noticing the instances when I am asked it as force of habit and not for true meaning.  It could be when answering the phone, direct messaging on social media, or even at the grocery store.  

I am not sure where in history (I probably wasn’t alive yet) the question became cliché but it has lost its luster.  In order to really ask how someone is or express your interest in their well-being, you have to ask it in a different way or ask something different.  

If you can figure out how to express your interest in someone beyond a habitual, sometimes obligatory, question, you’re well on your way to keeping an existing relationship strong.

A Suggestion

There are numerous ways to say it, but here’s a strong option:

“Tell me something new.”

I like this one for two reasons.  First of all, it’s easy to understand, direct, and expresses interest in new, recent events.  Nothing is more relevant than the most recent things that have happened to someone.  

Secondly, this makes it harder for someone to give you some of the more cliché answers like, “I’m good. You?” and “Great.  Thanks.”  

Maybe I’m getting old but I’m fed up with talking just to talk or making meaningless statements.  

When you ask someone to tell you what is new in their life it assumes you already know what is old.  I would make sure that you actually know what you’ve talked about with someone previously as what’s new might be related to it and we don’t want to indicate something that isn’t true.

Ultimately, if it’s too much of a stress to express interest in someone or ask about how they are doing, this is probably not someone with whom you should try to maintain a relationship.  Don’t do it for anything other than your care for that person.  It must be natural - literally.

Loved Ones

Sadly, I think some of our closest relationships (or at least those that should be) suffer the most in this area.  Whether it’s biological family or figurative family members, a great place to start being more intentional about maintaining strong bonds is with loved ones.

You might say that you are obligated to maintain a relationship with your weird uncle whether you like him or not.  That is possible, but we are talking about meaningful relationships. 

I wouldn’t recommend to sticking with the cliches, but it wouldn’t change much if you kept with those habits with the strange family you don’t understand.  But as for the people that should and would like to bond with, you have to find the right words (like “tell me something new”) to use.

It isn’t that hard to put forth this effort.  I believe the reason why we don’t start with these important people is that we take those reltionshps for granted.  

I know that I am guilty of this with my wife and my parents.  They should be the easiest!  

I think my recent Mother’s Day experience with my mom made me realize that my life is just too busy on it’s own to be highly engaged in hers without intention.

The Inner and Outer Circle

Assuming your loved ones are the closest circle that you have, what do you do next once you feel that you’re doing an acceptable job with those relationships?

You tackle the next one of course!  This is driven impactmaking.

Admittedly, I’m not always fired up about engaging people and what they have going on at the moment.  I know my cognitive load and there is a point at which it’s strained.  In those scenarios, I would recommend being honest with yourself and the other people.  Don’t force questions and explanations.

What you need to do if feeling overwhelmed with all the relationships that you are responsible for, is to prioritize.  

What do you fill your jar with first?

In some recent Twitter Spaces, one of my favorite metaphors for time management came up.  I credit this thought concept to Michael Kitces of Kitces.com.  Michael is a well known figure in the financial planning industry and I take in much of his content.  

The metaphor states that you have to fill up your daily jar with the big rocks prior to the pebbles and the sand.  If you put the sand in your jar first and then the pebbles, the rocks will never fit.

In the relationship managing context, you have to make sure that the “big rock” bonds take priority.  Make sure that those people are getting the attention first.  Your loved ones will likely be easier to prioritize (as long as you don’t take for granted as mentioned above).

The inner and outer circle then need some attention.  Figure out which bonds you would like to make sure are strengthened.  Pay attention to what those people have going on and ask them about it.  You’d be surprised how powerful it is to know what’s going on in someone’s life.  You tend to have some buy in.  You want them to succeed in things and are more likely to dedicate more time and energy to provide assistance.

Who to Choose

The next thing that comes to mind in this process is how to identify the bonds to maintain.  In my book mentioned above, Joe Nolan from JonoMarketing talks about the limited amount of exposure that people have to social media impressions every day.  It seems endless doesn’t it?  It’s 2,617 interactions to be exact (based on the stat I quote on the back of the book).  

The fact is, we all have a limited amount of time in the day.  Social media applications and organizations are fighting for impression real estate.  They know that we each have a finite amount of interactions and they have to get them from us over all other markets out there - not just those in their industry.  

In the same fashion, we have a limited amount of relationships that we can fully engage in.  Everyone’s situation is different.

If you are looking for a scientific explanation, read Dunbar's number: Why we can only maintain 150 relationships and listen to Jamie Russo talk about Dunbar’s Number on Speaking of Impact episode 29.

Think about what people have similar worldviews and missions.  Start with them.  This doesn’t mean to avoid diversity of thought.  We know that intercultural creativity is important from Genein Letford and Speaking of Impact episode 42.  

Find people who are reaching for similar things but have other ideas of how to get there and have complimentary skills to you.  You’re likely to get along, be driven in the same direction, and help push each other. 

This is the way to start.  At a certain point, you’ll notice the most beneficial relationships and a key point is that it’s not just about what you can get but also about what you can give.

This might be an old topic but:

“Tell me something new.”